


the past is the past and it's here to stay

by lesfemmesdangereuses



Category: Emmerdale
Genre: M/M, Memory Loss, THE BLACK MIRROR FIC
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-27
Updated: 2017-12-27
Packaged: 2019-02-22 17:06:12
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 9,890
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13171365
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lesfemmesdangereuses/pseuds/lesfemmesdangereuses
Summary: In which the year 2020 rolls around, and new technology allows Robert to enter his own memories and see his mum again.Or- the one where Aaron has to save Robert from his dumbass ending up in a Black Mirror episode.





	the past is the past and it's here to stay

**Author's Note:**

> This was written for the wonderful @iwillsendapostcard for the robron 2017 secret santa gift exchange! Any feedback is greatly appreciated. A sequel will possibly emerge at some point depending on how much I want to avoid my schoolwork.

It all started in the most inappropriate place. Something that ends up changing your life shouldn’t have started in a stuffy portacabin, with someone like Jimmy bringing it into existence.

“What do you fancy for tea, then?” Aaron said, sitting himself down on Robert’s desk and putting his hand on Robert’s thigh to alert him. “Could make one of them M&S Christmas thingys Liv picked up.”

“Yeah,” Robert said, smiling easily, the way that he always did these days, nearly three years of marriage making them good with each other, good for each other. “We could- oi, Jimmy, could you turn that down maybe? Not everyone’s as deaf as ya.” Jimmy’s recent foray into the world of video news on his iPhone had been personally occurring just to fuck over Robert’s life, he imagined. Especially since Jimmy apparently hadn’t heard of the existence of headphones.

“Oi,” Gerry opened the door to the portacabin, sticking his head in, cheeks red from the cold, pointing in the direction of Aaron. “Get back out here will ya? As big as me muscles are I don’t reckon I can lift this car all on me lonesome.” Aaron rolled his eyes and gave robert a quick kiss on the cheek before leaving. Robert felt warmth spread to his chest, the way he couldn’t ever stop it from doing these days, every time he saw how easily Aaron would show him affection even front of idiots like Jimmy King.

“Look at this though, seriously,” Jimmy bounded over to him, shoving his phone in his face. “Mind- oh hang on, gotta go back to the beginning-“

“Get that out of my face, Jimmy,” Robert said rolling his eyes, but before he could properly shove Jimmy off the video began, and Robert was staring at a well-dressed newswoman on the BBC, holding a microphone and standing in front of an incredibly and strikingly white building.

“The so-called MemoryTech has already been implemented in police stations in the capital, and is soon to be rolled out throughout the country. However it’s here, in Leeds, where the first private use is taking on experimental trials for private use. Dr Emily Park, a psychiatrist, had this to say.” The camera cut to a well-dressed woman, standing in front of a large, corporate-looking building.

“The way we saw it was that there was an easy and clear parallel to accessing memories for the purposes of eyewitness statements to helping our patients with grief. In a controlled environment, we have been able to allow adults who lost their parents while they were very young to access memories of them, to young widows and mothers- it isn’t a solution, but it has been shown to have very beneficial effects for allowing the patients to move on in a constructive way. Think about the ability to say the thing you never got to. This is that chance.”

“Of course, it’s worth noting the high price tag- nearly 30 thousand pounds for a 30 minute session- although of course the time manipulations could make it seem as if months are passing-“

“2020, year of the future, eh?” Jimmy grabbed the phone from where it had been in front of Robert’s face. “Not for me, getting involved with that tech stuff.”

“Well, of course, probably nothing you’d want to relive anyway, eh Jimmy?” Robert said, flicking through some papers.

“Some nights with Nicola,” Jimmy said, ambling back to his desk. “I wouldn’t mind havin a’ peek at those an all. Probably the same for you and your Aaron,”

Robert was preparing a witty response in his head, trying to decide which best avenue would be the most suited for reminding Jimmy that there was nothing he wanted less to hear about than Jimmy and Nicola’s disgusting and prolific sex life- when he was stopped by an incoming text message from Victoria.

‘Thinking of mum today- Diane found this photo of you and her. xxxx’

Attached was a photo of Robert from when he had probably been about 4. They were standing in front of an ice rink, Sarah holding him up with a huge smile on her face. A big red scarf wrapped around her neck that 4 year old Robert was grabbing with one of his hands. Robert felt the usual rush of warmth he did whenever he saw a photo of her, as he desperately tried to recall any memory of that day.

There wasn’t any.

He excused himself, typed in some search terms into his phone’s browser, before clicking the number and calling the company in Leeds.

—-

“I just don’t-“ Aaron rubbed his hands over his eyes, later that day. Robert had burst in, talking to him quickly as he threw his stuff together, about Sarah, and an institute, and a quick last minute cancellation appointment. “It’s a bit weird, y’know? I mean, how do they access the memories?”

“It’s just a small procedure, it’s like- a smart phone, but a small one, like a chip, right?” Robert said, taking his phone back from Aaron. “or smart technology, and then they surgically implant it and it’s able to travel to your head, and then it’s able to access the memories from there, and-“

“They can just fuck with your head, yeah,” Aaron said, folding his arms. Years of marriage had made them both realise when something was going to be A Fight, their stupid dedication to open and honest communication making their big fights much less frequent but still easy to demarcate. “Which you decided to tell me about an hour before you’re heading off to Leeds for it? And 30 grand for 30 minutes?”

“It’s not like we can’t afford it,” Robert got up and continued his haphazard search for his scarf, “Look, I- I would’ve told you earlier, okay, but I only found out about it this morning- well, you heard Jimmy same time I did- and I didn’t think they could fit me in for months because of the waiting times but there was a cancellation and-“

“On the kitchen table with your keys.”

“Cheers,” Robert moved over and picked it up and started shoving on his coat. Aaron felt himself get lost in it, the way he still did after all this time- the long black winter Burberry coat suiting him so well that it made Aaron’s heart ache to think that he was leaving, even for a few hours. The way he always did, these days. “I have to go to the bank first, I need to leave here soon if I’m gonna make it to Leeds with enough time, especially if there’s traffic-“

“Rob I just- hang on a minute,” and with one move Aaron’s hands were on Rob’s shoulders, stopping him from moving back towards the sitting room. “Can we just talk about this a little more, I mean, we don’t know anything about this stuff, really-“

“I know it’s a chance to see my mum again, Aaron,” Robert said, fixing his eyes on him. “Don’t you get that? If I don’t go today, it could be years. The waiting list is that long. Wouldn’t ya pay anything to see Jackson again-“

“Don’t mention him like that,” Aaron said, hurt coming to his face, and there it was- an absolute fight. “And, y’know what? No, I wouldn’t. Because some things are better left in the past, they aren’t worth-“

“If it’s the money, I can pull out from one of my old investments-“

“You know it’s not the money, I don’t care bout the money, I care about you and I’m worried about ya, we should talk about this-“

“It’s my mum,” Robert finally said raising his voice, something he hated doing. “Do you get that, Aaron? I don’t remember something that happened when we were young and soon I won’t remember anything- she’ll keep- she’ll keep fading, the one person who loved me unconditionally until you, the one person-“

“Robert, please can we just-“

“I have to go,” Robert threw his bag over his shoulder and walked towards the door of the Mill. “I’m sorry. I have to go.”

—

“Mr Sugden?” Robert looked up to see a well-dressed woman in a cream coloured suit smiling at him and quickly stood up, putting his phone in his pocket. “My name is Dr Morgan Rodgers- call me Morgan- I’ll be taking you through the procedure.”

“Hiya,” he responded, shaking her hand.

“If you just follow me, please,” she motioned towards him to follow her through a long white, long corridor. After about a minute, he watched her enter in a key code and open two large doors bearing the warning DO NOT ENTER UNLESS ACCESS IS GRANTED.

“This is where you’ll be set up,” she said, and Robert took a moment to be truly and utterly shocked at what he was seeing- a spacious room with a gorgeous view of the countryside, a leather reclinable-looking practically identical to the one in Robert and Aaron’s own living room. The only thing abnormal was the presence of two, well-dressed men wearing suits, standing conspicuously over a third man, much younger and dressed casually. He was sitting in a chair surrounded by three large, sleek computer desktops and what appeared to be a heart rate monitor.

“You can have a seat over here,” Morgan pointed towards the leather chair. Robert obliged, eyeing the- tech guy? In front of him pointedly. “Oh, right. This is- Dr Murphy. He runs through the technology at first, to make sure it’s all sound.” She looked at all of them pointedly. “I think that’s enough, thanks,” she motioned until all three were filing out of the room. “Shall we begin?” She sat Robert down.

“We can just, do it here?”

“Modern medicine, eh?” She said with a smile. “No operating table. Try to lean back, be as relaxed as you can. This will only take a minute.” She unrolled his sleeve and pushed it up, beginning the process of hooking him up to an IV. Robert closed his eyes.

He awoke to a room that was completely empty. Calling it a ‘room’ seemed incorrect as well- vast, empty space, no walls, just a monitor in the centre. Robert was entirely himself- nothing hooked up to him- and was still wearing the blue patterned shirt and jacket that he had been wearing when he had been sedated. He fiddled with his wedding ring, feeling it ground him as a wave of anxiety threatened to pull him under.

“And we are… all set up,” Morgan said. “You have paid for one memory, which you can choose here-“ she pressed a few buttons and suddenly there were memories filling the void, silent videos running side by side. He saw flashes of his mum, Jack, Andy, Victoria- and then more recent ones. He felt himself focus in on one of Aaron smiling, smiling into a kiss with him on their wedding. “If you like more, you can always press this button,” she gestured to a bright yellow pound sign at the corner of the screen, “and top up. Just a signature, same rates of payment.”

“Do you- lead me through it?” Robert asked. Coming closer to stare more properly at the memories.

“No, we don’t feel that’s appropriate for privacy reasons,” Morgan said. “These are your memories. Now,” she smiled at him warmly. “Where would you like to begin?”

—

Robert’s phone went straight to voicemail.

It had been two hours, and Aaron had cooled off. He had timed how long it would take Robert to get to Leeds, be there for an hour and get home, and then factored in time for him to go have a drink and be upset, before starting to worry.

Robert didn’t switch off his phone.

—

He’d picked the ice skating, of course. Morgan had disappeared as soon as he had selected it, so it was just him- the whiteness of the void instantly changing to his childhood kitchen. He saw himself- 4 years old- sitting at the breakfast table with Sarah. He was talking to her about something, babbling in the way that little kids do, but in a way that Robert had never remembered doing.

And it was her, her alive, no sign of Jack, probably out early, and she was alive, and okay, and Robert felt like he couldn’t breathe. “Mum?” he said tepidly, looking for a reaction. “Mum?” He went closer to the table and began to get louder. “Mum, it’s Robert, look at me-” (’non-interference,’ he remembered the administrative assistant saying on the phone. ‘No way of talking to them. Just watching. Think of it as a baby monitor.”)

“No,” he said. “No, no no, I don’t want to do this, I can’t talk to her, I need to talk to her, please get me out, please-“

“Robert?” And a voice was suddenly behind him. Her voice.

The Sarah and Robert of the past still playing in front of him, her lifting Robert into her lap to read him a story. Who was behind him was her. Sarah.

“Mum,” and he ran and hugged her with everything he had.

“It’s okay,” she said, soothing him with a rub to his back. “It’s okay, I’m here.”

—

He managed to calm down after an hour, Sarah explaining to him that she was real, but she wasn’t- she was memories forming an image of her, talking like her without being back from the dead. A gift from Morgan, someone to help him through it. Robert had struggled at first, wanting to know everything about her life, being met with a gentle reminder that the MemoryTech was for him, not for her.

She’d managed to finally ply him, though, when the memory shifted to the rink and they had been able to watch the skating. 

Are you feeling alright, Robert?” Sarah asked, year old self be dragged around by a laughing Sarah.

“Just thinking, I suppose,” he was holding a hot chocolate, and could smell the hint of salted caramel that the barista from the local coffee shop had added into it- a fancy one, built for beleaguered parents aiming to take a break from their kids. “Thinkin’ that the rink will be closing soon. But- it’s my mind, right? I could have it where it doesn’t close, where mum and me get to skate all day again?”

“The rink closes because it’s a memory,” Sarah said gently. “And look-“ she pointed towards Robert and her counterpart, busily zipping up his coat. “It’s time for you to go home to supper.”

“Home to shouting and crying, more like,” he threw his empty cup in the nearby bin. “I’d rather just spend time with you, even though you’re- not you.” He’d not been able to stomach asking how it was true, how she could be there when she was also in memory, how this Sarah looked and sounded and acted like his mum but couldn’t be her, really- just recycled memories forming her exact persona. Robert hated that it still felt like more than he’d had in ages, that he strangely didn’t have a feeling it wasn’t enough.

“There are many more memories we can go to,” Sarah said, again kind, painfully kind. “But I’m afraid that’s time.” She waved a hand and soon it was just her and him back in a completely empty, white room next to what appeared to be a large desk- filled with touch screen buttons. “What’s lucky is that was only 30 minutes, outside,” she went over to the desk and began fiddling with it. “You can get home for supper. Unless, of course, you wanted to top up your time, and show me some more?”

“Aaron will be worried,” Robert said, looking at the flashing pound sign on the board.

“You’ve still not told me much about him,” Sarah said, walking away from the monitor. “I’m sorry I could never meet my son-in-law. I would give anything to see him now, to see how happy he makes you.” She began fiddling with the controls, until Robert was met with large visions the way he had earlier- but instead of him and Sarah, and Victoria, and Andy, they were all of him and Aaron. Their first wedding, their second wedding. Proposing to him by his bedside. Hugging him in the pub so many years ago. Slow dancing at Sam and Lydia’s wedding.

“Do you want to show me any of these?” Sarah said, pulling up the auto-topup options with its distinct cash register sound. Before he could really think Robert was pressing the button, signing, and then diving as fast as he could into the memory of proposing to Aaron by his bedside.

—

It was when he got the text that Aaron began to really worry. He went and saw Victoria and Diane.

“So you’ve not seen him either?” Aaron tried to quell the panic in his voice as he began twisting the sleeve of his jumper. All the way there he had clung on to the hope that Robert had contacted them, hoping that he had gone to stay with one of them, needing some space but being alright, being alive.

“Well, right, hang on, how long are you sayin’ he’s been missing for?” Victoria began to look alarmed, putting her basket of shopping down near the tills. “Have you had a fight or summat?”

“No, well- yeah, but that’s not the point, look, he went to do this weird memory thing, which he said was in Leeds, and then I got some texts from him, and- look,” he handed the phone to Victoria.

“I can’t make you understand this. I need some time to myself,” Victoria read out. “Second message- ‘you’d do anything to see your Jackson again.’”

“What’s he talkin’ about?” Diane asked, and Aaron hated it, hated the rising panic in her voice, hated that Robert had put it there, just like he’d done to him.

“Okay, so you’re saying- Robert’s gone to do some memory- thing- that allows him to see mum,” Victoria said slowly. “And he’s not come back, but he’s been textin’ you? So he’s okay. Look, you know how he gets.”

“He’s always been impulsive,” Diane added, adopting a defiantly measured tone. “And he loved her so much, pet. It’s probably just a lot to take in, he’s probably holed up in a hotel room somewhere, brooding.”

“It’s not him,” Aaron said. “I can tell. Someone’s got his phone.” 

“Aaron,” Victoria said meeting him with one of her warning tones of voice that Aaron had come accustomed to from his sister-in-law. “Look. I know you’re worried, and you’d rather him be home with you than out in some lab in Leeds, but he’s safe, right? He says so here. And I just saw him today! He’s only been gone what, a few hours?”

“It’s not him,” Aaron started again. “I know it isn’t, Vic.”

“Aaron, how would they know about this? You think he’s been, what, kidnapped?”

“I know you’re worried, Aaron love, and I don’t know anything about this but I know Robert, and Robert never got over Sarah, it’s understandable he needs some time,” Diane jumped in, placing a reassuring hand on Aaron’s arm.

“He’s impulsive, Aaron, It’s what he’s like,” Victoria said, handing him back his phone.

“Used to be what he’s like,” Aaron said after a pause. “Maybe you don’t see that- yeah, okay, he ran away, and he used to run at the first sign of danger, but he’d never do this, he wouldn’t just leave and send me somethin’ like this, he wouldn’t leave me like this,” and Aaron felt tears come in that he was unable to stop, fuck it- “I know him, and he wouldn’t. And the way he talks? The way he’s talked here? That’s not Robert. It’s tryin to be him, yeah, and it might be doin’ an alright job, but it’s not him. So someone’s bein’ him, and fine, it’s been a few hours, but it’s him.” He ran an exasperated hand through his hair. “And I dunno where the fuck in Leeds he is, but I’m not spendin’ anymore time without him, so- whatever, you can come, you can’t come, but I’m bringin’ him home, so.” He turned and walked out but then felt two hands on each of his shoulders pulling him back.

“You’re not goin’ on a rescue mission without us,” Diane said with a small smile. “Even if Robert is just sittin’ and moping in a hotel room.”

“We take my van,” Victoria added. “Leave in an hour.”

“Why an hour?”

“Because if you’re gonna be breakin’ into a multimillion pound tech company, Aaron, we’re gonna need to get some of yer family with us, won’t we?”

—

“My son, married to a Dingle,” Sarah said, smiling at the memory- Aaron and Robert in the garage, exchanging vows. “I never thought that would happen.”

“He changed everything,” Robert said. “Aaron did. It was- complicated. I don’t want you to see the person I was,” he added. “During a lot of it. But we got there.”

“He seems wonderful,” Sarah said, looking towards Aaron, who was in the middle of saying his vows. “Kind.”

“He is,” Robert said. “He changed everything for me. Made-“ Robert shrugged. “I dunno, I guess- for awhile it didn’t seem like I couldn’t ever be happy, and then I was with him, and it made me feel like everythin’ made sense- I mean, you’ll see next-“ but before he could say it, they were back, in the white void, the void he had gotten too familiar with.”I really thought the wedding would be included in this one,” he said looking desperately towards the video clip of Aaron and him slow dancing at their wedding.

“I’d like to see more,” Sarah said. “Can you show me more?”

—

Cain, Moira and Belle in the end were the ones who joined, along with Vic and Diane.

He had to talk Cain out of bringing a variety of offensive and menacing weapons and limited him have a gun and a baseball bat only.

It was nice, in a way, to see his uncle willing to inflict grievous bodily harm for Robert.

(His wife willing to as well.)

They got to the warehouse, broke in easily, and saw a woman wandering around, monitoring what were hundreds of people in reclinable chairs, hooked up to IVs and computers.

“What the-“ the woman said, as they advanced upon her. Aaron broke into a run when it became clear who she was next to, who’s IV she was monitoring.

Robert’s.

She reached for her phone quickly, pressing an alarm button.

Cain and Moira reacted first, grabbing the woman and restraining her to the chair, Moira crushing the phone with her foot. Aaron ran to Robert.

“You, explain, now,” Moira glared menacingly down at the woman- Morgan- as she struggled under her restraints.

“You- you have this all wrong, y’know,” she said grappling. “I can’t control this.”

“You’re gonna get him out of that thing right now or I swear to god,” Victoria came over, and was inexplicably holding a stapler. “I swear to god, you’re going to bring my brother back, you absolute psycho-“

“He will come back, they always come back,” Morgan said, breathing quickly, fear coming over her at the sight of the gun trained on her. “I swear.”

“Oh yeah, all this lot here, back and happy with their families, huh, are they?” Cain pointed at the hundreds of men and women lying in their reclinable chairs around them.

“A couple hundred,” Morgan breathed tensely, “Out of hundreds of thousands that we have in this trial, all over the country, are still here. Most see their loved ones, remember something forgotten, and then decide to leave. And we let them go! What’s the point you’re trying to prove? And they will come back. But we can’t make them come back.”

“Right, you lot just gave them a way that they would never want to leave, is that right?” Diane jumped in, staring with utter menace in her eyes.

“And that’s not wrong, is it? For people to get stuck in their memories, paying thousands of pounds to stay here while you profit?” Belle jumped in. “I read about that.”

“If an old millionaire wants to stay stuck in the past before he ruined his life, we give them that opportunity,” Morgan said.

“Oh, don’t pretend you’re a hero of the people lady,” Belle said. “Look at them. Your rich investors are the ones profiting and that woman, do ya seriously think she’s got a load of cash?” She gestured towards a woman nearby. “How could she even pay?”

“Or what is it you’re doin’ to make it worth your while,” Cain said, approaching Morgan with the air of a newly released tiger. “I think that’s the question I want to know the answer to.”

“Cain,” Moira said warningly, from where she standing near Aaron, who was still looking at Robert’s face with an air of complete brokenness.

“He’s not waking up,” Aaron said, running his thumb in circles over Robert’s hand. “He’s- Robert’s not waking up.”

“So you’re gonna figure out a way to make him wake up,” Cain said menacingly.

“If you’d all stop threatening me and listen for a second, you’d understand that I can’t,” she said, glaring up at Cain. “Don’t you get it? It’s autonomous. I enter in the information, I set it up, I talk them through it, but then the cookie that’s in there is a simulation of me who runs everything. I’ve got nothing to do with it.”

“A simulation-“Aaron got up and walked towards her finally. “What’d ya mean by that?”

“It’s a chip out of my brain containing my consciousness,” Morgan said with a tone of annoyance that Aaron felt was frankly entitled. “A piece of it. And it runs all of them. Not just his, all of them. It’s so I don’t have to be in all the simulations at once, or spend what feels like years running some sad sack through his daughter’s wedding again and again-“

“Oh, it’s a bit rough for you is it?” Aaron’s voice got louder. “Well that’s great, cause you had no problem trapping my husband in there with you, gettin’ him to spend however much money, what, what do you just build a friendship, yeah? Make him feel all good and like he can trust you?”

A flicker of a micro expression hit Morgan’s face, as she attempted to cover it up. “No-“

“What is it you’re not telling me?” Aaron said. “I won’t ask you again,” he said looking over at Cain.

“It wouldn’t work if it was just me,” she finally said. “We can- change what we look like, in the memory space. He thinks-“ she sighed and then regarded him warily. “He thinks he’s with his mother.”

All hell broke loose.

Aaron heard shouting. It was all he could hear as he felt himself sink back. Moira, by far the calmest so far, had come over and slapped her across the face.The sounds of Diane and Victoria shouting drowned out the defences that he could hear Morgan trying to proclaim. He felt himself stumble back and his body moved, without thinking, to where Robert was. The need to be near him, the need to hold him tight and make it all feel better seemed primal in how quick and all-encompassing it was. He felt himself move Robert slightly to his right, muscle memory from nights of Robert star-fishing across their bed, and curled up next to him.

“Hey,” he said quietly, having no sense of self-consciousness despite how many people were in the room, even if they were currently too distracted to notice. “Rob, hey, it’s me.” He looked over his face, completely still. Aaron hated it. He spoke the final word like a prayer, as he figured out what he needed to do.

“I’m gonna get you out, okay?”

—

Sarah leaned back on the bar, where the remnants of the second wedding still remained- petals thrown over Robert and Aaron that had landed there, spilled champagne. “I can’t believe you fulfilled the Dingle welly tradition, twice,” she said with a laugh. And then, more sincerely- “Thank you for showing me that.”

Robert was also leaned on the bar, staring at the people milling about and heading home. He hoped Sarah wouldn’t ask where he and Aaron had gone off, or worse ask to see- he remembered the desperate kissing on their bed in the hotel, both of them taking off each other’s suits and discarding them and the feel of Aaron beneath him until they were both too tired to even think about going back to their own wedding. They’d only managed after napping, showing up in disheveled suits that left nothing to the imagination in terms of what they had been doing.

“I wish you’d been there,”

“Can I see this one?” Sarah asked, looking at him and fiddling with the buttons as the familiar white room began appearing behind them, the auto-top up screen appearing behind them. The memories appeared up and he saw what was nearly ready to autoplay, him and Aaron in the pub, saying goodbye. The day after their first wedding.”When was this?”

“It’s- painful,” he said finally. “I can- I can show you another,” he said, remembering the trip to Wales with Liv and Aaron, their first proper trip as a family. “I can show you something better.”

He pressed the button.

—

“You can’t go in there, Aaron,” Cain said staring at him with menace. “Don’t even think about it.”

“You can do it, can’t ya,” Aaron turned to Morgan with madness in his eyes. “You can use your- whatever technology, and put me in there.”

“Aaron,” Cain said warningly.

“We don’t-“ Morgan looked from Aaron to the others, seemingly choosing her words carefully. “I have no idea where they are. I told you. I don’t control this. The version of me that’s in there accesses the memories. When the patient wants to leave- which most of them do after a bit, the cookie version of me shuts down the programme and brings them back. And we-“ She looked towards the floor and then back to Aaron, “we move them here, we only move them here when they’ve been gone longer than a few hours. When it’s been a few months in the simulation.”

“This just gets better and better,” Aaron said closing his eyes.

“I could put you in there, but there’s no way to guarantee you’d find him,” Morgan said harshly. “You’d get stuck there yourself. These aren’t your memories. The system isn’t built for this. We’ve never done it before.”

“That sounds like a few good reasons to sit back and think about this, Aaron,” Moira said, coming over to him.

“He will come back,” Victoria added, placing a hand on Aaron’s arm. “I know he will. He wouldn’t leave ya, Aaron. He couldn’t.”

“They’re-“ and tears were in his eyes, because fuck it, “They put him in with your mum, Vic, but it’s not your mum,” Aaron used one of his sleeves to wipe his eyes. “It’s not your mum, and he’s alone, and I promised him I’d never let him be alone again.” Aaron didn’t care about how it sounded, the rising panic he felt in every part of his body outweighing any sense of self-consciousness over it, over bearing this much of himself and his relationship to half of their families. He took a deep breath, and then moving quickly so no one could react, crouched down beside Morgan and began untying her hands. “So you’re gonna- you’re gonna hook me up, or whatever, and put me in there and I’m bringin’ him home.”

Morgan began to stand up once her hands were untied which prompted Cain to hold the gun up. “Don’t you move a step,” he said, and looked at Aaron. “Mate, I can’t go back without ya. I’m not doin that to my sister.”

“Then don’t,” Aaron said by way of reply, and moved with Morgan towards the computer. “Look- keep the gun on her. Make sure she doesn’t do anythin’ weird. And make her fix it. Make her get us out.” He grabbed one of the empty lounge chairs nearby and pulled it so that it was next to Robert’s. “You all should know by now anyway I’m not takin’ no.”

Cain nodded swiftly. “Well, what’re you doin, then? Get over.”

“I would like to just once more say how idiotic this plan is,” Morgan said. “Just for the record.”

“Yeah, and I think you’ve probably lost all rights to tell us how to do anything, though,” Aaron said, meeting her with a hardened gaze. “Just do your fuckin’ job.”

Morgan looked at him for a minute, and then to the gun trained on her, and began to type into her computer.

“I’m dismantling the firewalls on the control panel in the MemorySpace,” Morgan said. “And the… payment options.” She added quickly, looking furtively at her screen. “I could take you through it myself-“

“And let ya figure out some sort of escape route while in there, I imagine?” Moira walked over and stood next to Cain. “We’re doin’ this for Aaron and then you’re gonna figure out a way to get every single person in this room out of it.”

“Well, that’s impossible,” Morgan said. “But okay.” Cain reacted quickly to hold back Moira, who looked ready to jump on her. “I need one of you to help,” Morgan continued. “I’ll do the IV, but it needs to be synchronised.”

“Whatever you need,” Victoria volunteered, walking over, giving Aaron a small smile before taking Morgan’s place at the computer. Morgan went over to Aaron, reaching in the small wooden cupboard that was sat beside Robert’s lifeless frame, pulling out separate syringe. He watched her sterilise it rudimentarily before she was running an antibacterial wipe over his right forearm, injecting him with something, and explaining something to Victoria. The last thing he noticed was the IV fluids connecting him to Robert.

—

Aaron woke up in a void.

He walked over to what appeared to be a desk with a control panel. He touched his hand to the screen and watched it brightly come to life, the words “Robert Sugden- A1948EG” in a bright white typeface at the bottom of the screen. Aaron saw flashes of memories to choose from, and couldn’t help himself from smiling fondly to see himself present so vividly- both of their weddings, their first kiss, robert sliding the ring on his finger in a hospital bed. Then Sarah- her holding him up in the air. Sarah holding all three kids in her lap. Sarah making tea and biscuits.

“Where are ya,” Aaron felt overwhelmed and then picked the one Robert had mentioned, Sarah and Robert ice skating, from the look of it, and saw the room quickly change into a festive winter scene, an ice rink in walking distance away. He began to call Robert’s name.

—

It all started to go wrong like this.

Robert was picking a new memory, Sarah smiling fondly next to him as he debated between an old Christmas with all the Sugdens and a newer Christmas with Aaron when, before he could decide, the screen disappeared and all Robert saw was greenery.

“What-“ Robert began to walk, Sarah closely behind him, to try to find out where they were. “I didn’t pick this one,” he said frowning, “Does that happen?”

“It’s probably just a glitch, love,” and Robert noticed the way the word didn’t seem to fit when said by her. Glitch. A universe where his mum grew old, lived long enough for words like that to become part of her vocabulary. “Shall we go and find out what this is?”

“I didn’t pay this much money for a memory I don’t know about,” Robert said, a flash of irritation present in his voice. Then, off Sarah’s slightly hurt expression, “I mean- I’m sorry, mum, I didn’t-“

Sarah smiled back at him. “Always quick to get upset, you. Should we just have a look? I can figure out a way to get us back afterwards and reset the system so you aren’t charged.”

“Right, okay,” Robert said, and began to walk. After about five minutes, they reached the undeniable sight of Robert’s car, the lodge, and-

“Oh, no,” Robert said, realisation dawning on him. “No, I know what this is, I don’t-“

“That’s murder.”

“Don’t call it that.”

“Are you feeling stressed out, Robert?” Sarah said, fixing him with a look of concern. “We have to go inside, you know how this works.”

“This isn’t what I want to see,” Robert felt panic rise up in his voice. “Mum, you have to-“

“I’m not going to be able to get us out until it resets after the memory is over, Robert, you know that,” she said again, gently, far too gently. “And we have to go inside.”

Robert numbly felt himself walk into the front door, into the room. He gripped Sarah’s hand.

A glass shattered, and Robert saw himself unravel two bathrobes and use the ties to tie Aaron’s legs and hands, a gag around his mouth.

“Robert,” Sarah whispered in shock, as they continued to watch it unfold.

“It wasn’t-“ and then he stopped, wanting it to end, knowing he was powerless against it. “I’m so sorry, mum, I never wanted you to have to see-” Him driving away. Him coming back. Pointing a gun. “I meant it, I love you.” Paddy shot. Aaron’s face. Aaron. Aaron. Aaron-

The white room came back, and Robert got up from where he had been crouched down, hands over his eyes, knees attempting to block out his ears.

“I need to go home,” he said, standing up. “I need Aaron. I need to see Aaron. I’m scared, I’m scared, I’m scared and I need to see Aaron-“

“One second,” Sarah was fiddling with the control panel. “There seems to be some sort of issue, love, just one second-“

“Issue,” he repeated, “what sort of issue,”

“It’s not letting me choose the memories, anymore,” she said, reluctantly turning towards him. “It’s shuffled them.”

“Well, I don’t- I don’t care about that, I just want to leave, who cares if they’re shuffled,” he said.

“It’s not letting us exit out,” Sarah said. “I don’t know- love, I’m so sorry, I think it’s timelocked, too many others are in the queue, we can’t get everyone offline at once because there needs to be someone on the outside to turn off the programme-“

“Right, but-“ he looked at her desperately. “Mum, you’ve gotta fix this,”

“It’s autoplaying,” she said with horror. “I’m sorry-“

His father. A farmhand, a desperate kiss. Violence.

Katie. Through the floorboards.

Aaron. Lying in a hospital bed with wounds in his arm. The nurse saying septicaemia.

Aaron drowning.

Kissing Rebecca.

Six weeks in Mauritius, guilt consuming his every being.

Aaron smashing the photo.

—

Aaron felt himself slide down sitting on the floor into the void near the control panel. He fought the urge to cry.

He hadn’t spoken to another human being in what had felt like a week. He knew what solitary confinement looked like, knew it was always the easiest way to break someone down. Deprive someone of human contact long enough they’ll agree to anything, say anything to make it stop.

But the raw all encompassing grief that fulfilled every millimetre of his body, the gnawing sensation that this was all wrong, the feeling of illness that was spreading through him- Aaron could identify that as nothing other than the complete and utter separation from his husband.

He’d tried everything, feeling horrific guilt at seeing something so personal of his husband’s, something not purposefully shared with him because of trust or desire but because of necessity, because of dark things like ‘kidnapping’ and ‘trauma.’

He’d tried everything, every positive memory he could see featuring Sarah. Ice skating, a day at the park, a trip to Leeds to see a film. Then a few of him and Liv- both of their weddings, both proposals.

“Robert,” he finally said, not knowing what he was saying or why he was. “I love ya. Please- please don’t leave me alone.” He twisted his wedding ring and tears came to his eyes, not sure of how he was going to take another week, month, year of memories to try to find Robert, but knowing that he would still do it, that he had nothing left, nothing without Robert, and then-

He got an idea.

—

“I thought it was only girls that cut themselves-“

“Mum,” Robert looked desperately towards Sarah, “Mum you- you don’t need to see this.” They were standing in the scrapyard, staring at Robert’s younger self spew hatred towards the love of his life.

How it was worse than Katie dying, how it felt worse, Robert wasn’t sure.

“I’m not here to judge you,” Sarah said, face placid. She put a comforting hand on his shoulder. “Maybe the next one will be better.”

Robert fiddled with his wedding ring. “I hurt him.”

“I know.”

“I try not to think about things like that.”

“You can’t control that here, love.”

“I need to see him,” Robert said. “I need to-“

“You can’t interfere with the memory, Robert,” Sarah said for what must have been the thousandth time during the past few days, hitting a fever pitch when Robert had to watch Aaron taking off his ring and handing it to him, giving him a soft kiss on the cheek.

“I don’t care, I don’t care, I can’t-“ and he was going over to them now, the versions of himself and Aaron, Aaron pushing him up against a car, telling him that he would never speak to him like that again.

“Aaron,” Robert said, his dream counterpart leaving him alone in tears. “Aaron, please, I love you, I’m so sorry, I love you, please,” but Aaron moved, the Aaron of his memory, a broken man who was strong enough to still not have Robert’s words break him-

“It’s going to cut off, you can’t see this, you don’t remember this, this isn’t your memory-“ Robert ignored Sarah’s words and threw his arms around the Aaron of his memory, triggering nothing but static-y shock and then Aaron was gone, and Robert was in his bedroom, but-

“Robert,” a voice behind him. Aaron’s voice. His Aaron.

“Aaron?” He said tentatively, staring at the man who had appeared aside from Sarah. “You can-“ he noticed the wedding ring, the clothes, the shirt that Aaron had been wearing that day, when they’d had a fight. Then before he could observe anything else Aaron’s entire body was on his, hugging the life out of him. “I’m so sorry,” Robert said, all of his words plying on a loop in his head from the fight, their fight, and then the ones from the scrapyard, still echoing from a few moments before. “I’m so sorry.” He clung onto the back of Aaron’s hoodie then, hooking his fingers underneath the hem to ground himself.

“Hey,” Aaron said, soft as ever. “Hey, you don’t have anythin’ to be sorry for. That’s why I’m here. But Rob, we-“ he reluctantly unhooked himself from the hug and kept holding onto the sides of Robert’s face, hoping that somehow it would anchor him, that they wouldn’t be stripped apart if he just held on- “I need to tell you something,” he looked to Sarah then, who had been standing with a look of growing horror on her face. “About her.”

“You’re not supposed to be here,” she said, crossing to him quickly. “How are you here?”

“Oh, see, ya messed that up, if ya want to play the role of the doting mother ya might want to actually, yknow, seem happy to meet your son-in-law,” Aaron said with venom in his voice.

“Aaron, love, this is dangerous,” Sarah said, taking a step. “I’m sorry. I’ve seen so much of you today it’s hard to remember I don’t actually know you. See, there’s been a problem, with a glitch in the system, and now that you’re here, I’m worried that’s evidence of another glitch-“

“She’s not your mum, Rob,” he said. “She’s Morgan. Doctor Morgan Rodgers. She’s the woman who put you under, but like- a cookie version, or whatever, that she has take you through all these memories, it’s her- it’s her consciousness, right, and she can look like your mum but she’s not your mum-“

“No,” Robert said, moving back so Aaron’s hands fell from his face. “No, Aaron, you don’t-“ he took a breath. “I know what you’re thinking, okay, and I know it isn’t her. It’s my memories of her, of the last time I saw her, and made through the computer programme to simulate how she would act and talk around me. And the- they told me that the emotions she had for me, the things she felt, would show up, so it was like it was her, the closest it could get, it’s not actually her, no, but it has all of her memories, and it’s-“

“How could they do that?” Aaron walked back closer to him, trying to not be wounded as Robert seemed to look wary about being touched by him. “Rob, think about it, just for a second, yeah? How could they only show you memories in the past but alter this one thing, this only person? Why not your dad? Or Katie? Or-“

“Aaron,” Sarah said sternly. “You can see you’re upsetting him, and this isn’t the time. We’re both frightened by what’s happened, the best way for us to move forward is to keep trying-“

“She’s a bot, Rob, her entire purpose is to keep ya here, forever if she can, because people like you and hundreds of others they’ve done this to fund this entire goddamn thing, they get access to everything, they distract ya, you willingly hand it over and if ya don’t you’re just-“ he met Robert with a pained expression. “That’s all she is. She’s programmed. The real her gave her one purpose and that’s all she is, and she’s stuck here forever if she doesn’t fulfil it.”

“No,” Robert said. “Aaron, no, you don’t understand, it’s been months, I would’ve realised-“

“No ya wouldn’t have, not after what they’ve done!” He felt tears come into his eyes and he made a desperate grab for the lapels of Robert’s shirt. “Robert please-“

“Keep your hands off him,” Sarah said in a warning tone, advancing on them.

“I swore on my life that I would protect you,” Aaron said, moving his hands down to cup Robert’s. “I swore I wouldn’t leave ya. I swore I would never lie to ya. And I am telling you that this is the truth.”

Robert felt it before he could react. Firstly, within himself, the other shoe, looking in Aaron’s eyes and understanding. And then, back towards Sarah, a coldness overtaking the calm and pleasant demeanour that had always emanated from her.

“Love,” she said softly.

“Don’t-“ he moved back a pace. “Don’t come near me.” She continued advancing upon him. “Did they programme you for human decency?”

“I’m a real person,” Morgan said hotly, because suddenly she was back to being Morgan, the doctor from before. “I’m not a programme.”

“I spent months with you,” Robert said, and Aaron gripped his hand tightly. “I spent months feeling like I had my mum back, like I could say everything like I could show you Aaron, I shared Aaron with you, I shared everything!”

“This is very touching,” Morgan said. “Congratulations are in order, I suppose, for being the first to break in here, I’m sure you both will enjoy being stuck for eternity. Who knows when the programme will be switched off.”

“What do you mean by that?” Aaron asked, trying to calm Robert through rubbing circles on his hand with his thumb.

“I mean, I don’t know,” Morgan said. “Despite what you may think, I didn’t relish taking you through your worst memories. There’s something wrong, I can’t get us out. Someone out there will have to turn it off.”

“Well- Aaron looked to Robert, who met his eyes with a look of crushing defeat. “Well that-that’s fine, because they’re working on it, they’ve got to be close now, when I came in here they’d gotten you- I mean, you know, the real you- to try to- rewire the whole thing, and get him back, so-“

“And how long have you been here? Like, seriously Aaron, how long has it felt like? A day? A week?”

“A week, I- I guess, and I know they messed with the time- ways- so it’s less time out there-“

“You’ve been in here for maybe three minutes,” Morgan said. “He’s only been in here for a few hours.” She looked at Robert. “I don’t know why you’re looking surprised, you knew this. And you didn’t choose to leave when you could have left.”

“You think that’s his fault?” Aaron took a step towards her. “You pretended to be his mum! You used everythin’ you could to keep him here!”

“That’s what they told me to do, that’s all I can do, don’t you get it?” Morgan said, tears springing to her eyes, shocking Aaron and Robert. “I have all my thoughts and memories, but I’m a chip. My job is to take you through. I don’t get anything apart from this. I had my own life and now I have to do this and I’ve had to be alive for thousands of years doing this. I fought them, at first,” she said. Taking a deep breath. “Said I wouldn’t do it. Said I didn’t want to trap people. They left me in this room,” she finally waved her hand to allow them to stand in the white void again- “and let me experience a year’s worth of nothing. I’d have agreed to anything. I’m sorry,” she turned towards Robert. “I’m sorry I lied to you.”

“So what-“ and Robert finally spoke. “What do we do now?”

“Wait for them to switch it off,” Morgan said. “It’s all we can do.”

“Can you control the memories?” Robert said.

Morgan nodded. “Once I realised that the option to go back had disappeared I thought- I don’t know, trying to bring you to traumatic memories would jolt something in you- real you’s body, to wake you up. It just didn’t work.”

Robert looked at Aaron, giving him a small shake of the head. It was one of those things that they had built up over years of being together, the ability to read each other. Robert could tell Aaron’s anger was building like a tidal wave, an urge to protect him.

“Can you-“ Robert sighed, trying to think. “Can you send us somewhere nice? Alone? While we wait?”

As a surprise to both of them, there was no argument. No reasons why no technological malfunction explained, nothing to say. “Where to?”

—

They sat side by side on the boardwalk in Brighton, a tacky souvenir stand to their left and a man announcing a prize game on their right. They’d been there an hour, as their counterparts stood at the edge, Robert’s arm slung over Aaron’s shoulder haphazardly. It was only from six months earlier- a mate of Aaron’s getting married so othey’d taken the weekend and rented a house on a street filled with pastel-coloured houses- 3 stories, 4 bedrooms with a pride flag hanging in the back garden to greet them. Aaron remembered them dropping off their suits and bags at the house, preparing for an afternoon of sex before realising that the owners weren’t planning on leaving until the early afternoon. So they’d gone to the boardwalk, Robert only making a few comments about it being touristy before letting himself get fully immersed in the experience. They still had the photo booth photos on the mirror in their bathroom from it, them making stupid faces and Robert kissing Aaron’s cheek.

“We should go back here,” Robert said, staring over at the waves below him. “When we’re out again. I’d like to go back here.”

“Robert I’m so sorry,” Aaron said. “Look at me.” And Robert did, because they did this now, they had the difficult conversations that required eye contact and Feelings. “I should never have said that about your mum or let you come do this on your own.”

“Hey,” Robert said, in his softest voice. He leaned forward and kissed Aaron lightly. “This isn’t your fault.”

“I wish I hadn’t seen so many of your memories,” Aaron added, saying the thing that he had been dying to say since he’d first seen Robert again. “That’s not- that’s not fair on ya.”

“Aaron,” Robert started, trying to choose his words carefully. “I don’t care about that. There’s nothing I want to keep from ya.”

“You shouldn’t have had to- keep all that buried,” Aaron finally said quietly, staring at his feet. “Ya must’ve been lonely. All this time.”

“It wasn’t all bad. I got to see her again. Got to remember some nice things. You and me.” Robert laughed. “It’s funny, I paid thousands of pounds to see our wedding- to show her our wedding- because I wanted to see ya. I could’ve just left and seen ya. Might’ve been able to breathe if I’d done that.”

“Robert, you didn’t know,” Aaron said gently. “She lied to ya.”

“I should’ve been able to tell,” Robert said, voice getting choked up in the way that Aaron hated, that made him want to burn and destroy things until whatever was hurting his husband went away. “I should have seen it- and if I’m-“ he took a breath. “If I’m not able to see what’s her and what isn’t, I’m gonna forget her,” Robert finished.

Aaron leaned over and framed Robert’s face. “Hey, that’s not- that’s not what that means, Rob. You’re not ever gonna forget her. You got to- you got to see her again, here. You got to see her hold your hand and take ya to- to ice skate and see her birthday again,” he let his hands drop. “If anythin’ good came out of this, this bullshit she put ya through- you got to remember more than you ever would have. And hey, I’m with ya now. You’re not alone with these memories anymore. You’re not alone.”

“Even if we’re stuck here for a thousand years?” Robert said. “Still worth it?”

“A thousand years with you, I think that’d be alright,” Aaron said with a small smile. “C’mon, the wedding’s gonna start soon,” he added, gesturing towards their counterparts, who were heading home to change- only having sex once, in a mark of true restraint.

—

“I remember this song,” Robert said, gesturing to the DJ. A few hours had gone by, and Robert and Aaron- the ones from the memory, were slow dancing- drunk off champagne and each other, laughing and swaying from side-to-side. “Wanna dance?”

Aaron smiled and stood up. “Not as fancy as we were then,” he said, gesturing to his grey Henley. He looked serious for a moment. “Always.”

‘And nothing matters when we’re dancing..’

Aaron clutched at the back of Robert’s shoulders and felt Robert’s hands descend to his waist.

‘In tat or tatters you’re entrancing..’

Robert buried his head in Aaron’s neck, taking him in.

‘Be we in Paris or in Lansing-‘

Robert started to feel a jolt and felt himself fall backwards. An earthquake. Something wrong. Something very wrong.

Nothing matters when we’re-‘

The music went away. For a minute, pure white. And then before they could think of anything else they were hit with nothing but the sensation of being awake and alive and fell into each other’s arms.

—

(It was Victoria, in the end who had cracked. Apparently only after 2 minutes. A baseball bat to every single monitor. Completely calling Morgan’s bluff that this would strand Robert and Aaron for eternity.)

“I couldn’t just watch ya go under to save him and not do anything,” she had said to Aaron, while he fielded questions from the police, over Rob’s shoulder as she’d refused to stop hugging him for even a minute. “Particularly when she told us more about how it all worked. I had to save my brother. And knowing you two you’d just stay there forever staring into each other’s eyes or summat.”)

(It was Belle who fought at the inquiry, who spoke passionately about things that the rest of them were, as Cain said, ‘too stupid or old’ to understand. It was Belle who highlighted the other victims and called into question privatisation of Memory-based Technology.)

(It was Cain and Moira who hired the lawyers, prepared statements, dealt with the police and fed the entire family of misfits situated at Mill Cottage for weeks after.)

(It was Aaron who took care of Robert.)

(It was Robert who took care of Aaron.)

—

Robert woke up to turning 34 with a smile on his face.

It wasn’t just the sex, though that played a part. It wasn’t the breakfast in bed that Aaron served him after, or the walk they went on by the bridge. It wasn’t even the hours they spent just talking, truly talking, about how they were feeling, the way they had to check in these days.

It was the fact that when Robert said “I want to see her,” Aaron immediately grabbed his keys.

It was walking by her gravestone and laying a rose, hand held tightly in his husband’s hand.

It was lying in bed hours after, staring into Aaron’s eyes and watching shitty Netflix until the clock marked his birthday officially over.

“You know, you saved me,” Robert said. They hadn’t talked about it in ages, not feeling like they could- any reflection on the months spent under seemed too unreal, too disjointed and was typically a good way to ensure one of them spent hours sobbing. Usually Robert, Aaron stroking his back as he convulsed over their toilet.

“Hey,” Aaron replied, tightening himself closer around Robert, knowing that that was the way he liked to be spooned, really- the way that he felt like he could nearly crawl into Aarno’s skin. “We’ve talked about this. You saved ya. I had nothin’ to do with it.”

“You walked through memories for me,” Robert said, feeling overwhelmed. “Sometimes you just- ya love me so much, and I don’t understand how. But then I think about what I feel for ya, and I sort of get it.”

Aaron smiled at him warmly. “I guess it’s just- how it is, for us.”

“Weird,” Robert countered.

“Yeah,” Aaron said. “But I’d crawl through a thousand memories to drag you back to where you could be in my arms, so.”

Robert felt something draw over him, something that felt like it could slot into place the way it hadn’t ever before. “A thousand lifetimes,” he said.

They both ignored the enormity of it, feeling comfortable in everything that had been said, and drifted off.


End file.
